I don’t know if clearly more a lack of autonomy or independence, I don’t know really but a thing is that I do not have enough of autonomy or independence for my 21 years old adult life. This lack comes I know where… my child and above all my lack of selfconfidence, all right!
I think I had never a confidence in me except these last months where I started by moments slowly. The first peoples in a child life to give at a child a confidence in him, it’s the parents but my parents has never to did sometimes for that I have a confidence in me. NEVER. They got me never encouragements, never told me it’s a good job what are you doing, ok, maybe 8 times in all my childhood. It’s hard, mostly when I saw the others parents to do it, encourage their kids and me Why my parents did not to do that?
I have fear also in cause of the insecurity which can to have in this world.
For to be honest it’s just hard, sometimes every days, every second,… but I took a great decision, do not wait the encouragements of my parents and give encouragements alone when I did a thing good, I have encouragement notes agenda and I read and told me when I find that I did a good job! about my progress on my anxiety, food, my life etc.
I took big things these last times and where I give myself encouragements on a lot of things in my life, like, food, therapy, medication… but this post is about my autonomy or independence, so, I will talk to my autonomy and independence progress.
My mother found which I never enough (and told me which I do never progress, my psychiatrist told the contrary) of autonomy for her. The autonomy for my mother is walk alone in a grocery shop for bought sometime, to have my driving licence, or others things like that… Sure, the autonomy it’s a part of this, I can walk alone in a grocery shop but I did not want go it for two reasons, one because I did not like go out near of my home because it’s not a place where I feel in security in cause of school-bullying persons that I have fear to meet in my way and two because I don’t like bought in shop hit or mess cause I bought lonely things that I need and sometimes to be certain I wait some weeks for to buy sometimes. Yes! I’m 21 but I do not have my driving license for these times in my life I feel not able for pass it but I thinking for nearly.
The best place for me for show that I have autonomy or independence… it’s far, far of the home to some miles of kilometer.
I have to did other things away of my home, I talk principally of my two Skip day, one in june I did a recap here and one on the end of august recap here. Fastly what is really a skip day, ok, this is a day where I take one hour a plane alone for go to a others city about 1000 miles from mine and where I stay completely alone in a other away of my home, the twice I took a plane in the morning, waited about 7 hours alone in airport and take the evening a flight always alone for back home. This is maybe a little complicated but I want a lot, a lot to do that for increase my autonomy on the long term (because go in a grocery shop like my mother wants it could be useful on the long term) and manage me face to the world alone. Results. It helped me a lot, I have less of fears now and I feeling with self confidence. I haven’t not project like this for this year but I thinking for next year and for again big alone things. I have did other things, it’s go alone in my psychiatrist visit, ok, my mom accompanied me, my dad now because he is in retirement but the goal is that I go alone and with 55 minutes of train go and 10 minutes of walk until my psychiatrist office and 55 minutes back of train for home, it’s not easy for me, but I’m managed and with help of my psychiatrist at each times I increased a little more my independence by little things.
The autonomy is sometimes who learn it.