The Outcome Of Real Depression

The outcome of a real depressive state.

I saw this phrase once or two by the past months passing in front of my eyes but I have never really stopped on it because it was not something that I felt even if I felt bad.

Real depression is when you stop loving the things you love.

From my Complex PTSD to Covid restrictions who can lead to depressive state, since the beginning of this pandemic and despite my therapy place “aka Disneyland Paris” closed nine months on the past year, I have never really was in depressive state. Until now!

During the past year and because of the Covid situation to manage in my head in more of my Complex PTSD, I often felt bad! I regularly had a depressive state! That I was able to beat when I watched Disneyland Paris videos and remembered memories of good times. I often felt in the lack of understanding between governmental restrictions! And I had much more feelings, who often was comes and was able to go away when I was doing something who helped me to make them go away. Until now!

Today, and since a few weeks, I’m not able to make these feelings go away. I can’t tell the day where it’s started, because in fact it’s slowly around the beginning of December 2020 and to hit the phase of do not be able to love the things that I love around mid-January to the end of January. I think, I really took conscience that I was not able to love or enjoy the things that I love during my ski trip at the end of January. Despite that it was a different ski trip because the ski lifts stay closed in France this season by governmental decisions to fight the Covid, I was ready to enjoy the maximum that I was able to practice. But at the final, I haven’t enjoyed one thing that I love the more. Right! In more, I felt again more exhausted mentally after my ski sessions. I didn’t really understand at this moment what was the problem! I started to be fed up on myself do not be able to enjoy skiing. It’s at this moment that this phrase that I previously saw was back in my thoughts.

By more reflections now, I realized that I haven’t able to really enjoy the things that I love in the right way since about last summer. Last summer, during Disneyland Paris reopening I was able to enjoy some times but some times I was not able to correctly enjoy the things that I love, in first time of course, I thought that it was because of the Covid restrictions (even if I totally accepted them at this moment), but months are passed, the second Disneyland Paris closure has comes, the second lockdowns in France was here. And I realized that it was not only these Covid restrictions who makes me that.

This make an evidence that in reality I’m not able to enjoy things that I love since much longer, but I was like even ok because I felt able to enjoy a few things sometimes and like I thought that it was also because of the Covid restrictions. But around this feeling that it was because of the Covid restrictions that I haven’t been able to enjoy the things, I felt something of weird in my head around September and October, when I was totally adapted to the safety measures at Disneyland Paris (like mask and social distances rules,…) and that when I enjoyed one thing these safety measures was not a problem, so, right, it’s could be a problem in the other times. But I haven’t searched to understand more because after Disneyland Paris has reclosed.

I think, that something is happened inside me during the first strict lockdown in France from mid-March to mid-May 2020. I don’t know why! I don’t understand because in reality it was the moment since the beginning of the pandemic that I have managed the better mentally. Right! I really don’t understand why! But I think, inside me something has blocked and since this moment I don’t manage to enjoy the things that I love in the right way.

But this feeling was rather acceptable mentally until recently. Because if before, I was able to enjoy sometimes the things that I love, even if sometimes I haven’t able. Since recently, I’m not able to enjoy anything, like one of my favorite thing in the world – skiing. And I will be honest with myself, if Disneyland Paris could be opens at this moment, I could not enjoy it also. I feel it!

The powerful thing who make me understand this.

It’s that I’m not able to enjoy anymore really watching some videos that I took during my trips at Disneyland Paris. Until recently and despite the park closures, I always enjoyed watching them daily, it was the BEST thing who helped me to keep going during these difficult times. It was pretty the last thing that I enjoyed again! But since a few weeks, I don’t really enjoy watching these videos and more again mostly when I watch them I feel with despair and hopeless to be able to feel good related to my Complex PTSD like when I was at Disneyland Paris during my monthly trips between September 2019 and March 2020.

Doing these monthly trips has really bring something of new and good for the very first time of my life. Before that I don’t loved anything, it’s maybe for this reason that the phrase -real depression is when you stop loving things that you love- didn’t make really sense to me because even if I was already in big depression states, I haven’t nothing that I loved to feel this feeling of stop loving things that you love. Discover Disneyland Paris and Disney universe has been something of really new to me to love something (even if I don’t love the very few only Disney movies that I watched), I totally felt like a renew in my life, I discover for the first of my life what it was to enjoy wake up in the morning to doing something and be happy of the day that I spent. I never known that before, except with the ski. But the ski it’s only in the Winter months, not the rest of the year.

Since my first real trip in September 2019 at Disneyland Paris, I considered like therapeutic, and each following trip until March 2020 has been therapeutic on different ways. From my Complex PTSD symptoms to my social anxiety. Right! When I was back last summer it was less therapeutic but even if it’s make me feel angry because I felt like I lost my time, it was back in the park during a pandemic and I tried to be gentle on this fact. And I tried to concentrate me on everything that I worked therapeutically previously. In six months I have never done so much progress that in the past ten years. Right! Today again during these hard times I realized some news things on what these monthly trips has been therapeutic. That’s crazy when I really think about it!

Since that I started to going at Disneyland Paris, the Disney community had something of positive like nothing before in my life. It’s helped me to keep going in the hard times because of my Complex PTSD, even when I was not on my trips in the park. This Disney community helped me to keep going during the different hard moments because of the Covid pandemic. I don’t always understood everything because probably that I haven’t really watched of Disney movies in my life and the tiggers of my Complex PTSD stopped myself. But I had always something of positive. This is absolutely amazing!

Today, I don’t feel a really joy to follow anymore this community. The thing who makes me understand that it’s not to fed up of Disney but of a real depression state, it’s when I take the time to meditation on Disneyland Paris, there is a part inside of me who always absolutely love it and I can’t wait when it’s reopening or when the parades and shows could be back, whatever when it is. I always love it! But I’m currently not able to love it at this right moment! This is a really such hard thing do not be able to enjoy the only things that you loved the more. With my Complex PTSD aside, it makes me literally hopeless. I want positively to tell that I feel that I always deep inside love the things that I love but I’m not able to love them in the right way currently, but on the negative side, I don’t have the solution to be able to enjoy them again. And it’s such heavy in daily life.

The outcome of a real depression is when you stop loving the things you love.



French girl, photographer, disneyland lover, lifestyle blogger with complex ptsd.

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