PTSD is the answer.

I have already depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, eating disorder, ocd. I just was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I was just back from my solo trip in Paris and I analyzed about my feelings and particularly about my different kind of anxiety and obsessional thoughts. Because since my solo trip, I understood a few things particularly about my obsessional thoughts and after a few hard work I understood that it’s not only some obsessional thoughts but some flashbacks about different bad memories of my past. Some memories of more than 10 years ago sometimes. I understand myself better since I saw that it’s some flashbacks and not simple obsessional thoughts because it destroys my daily life and it’s the biggest source of my daily anxiety.

I have understood and placed a name on another feeling also that I did not understand and it was terrorized me sometimes of not know what is this feeling, why I have this feeling. It’s called dissociation! I feel often specially when I do something that I was not able to do before, “out of my body”. I feel like I look at me from outside my body and think it’s not possible it’s happening to me, it’s just a dream. I have heavily this feeling since I was on my first solo trip in April 2018. I thought that it was because it was a new big solo adventure and I’m doing that despite my social anxiety. I thought it was normal I felt that! On my second solo trip last year it’s happened again, and again on my recent solo trip in Paris it’s happened also. In real, I think it happens each time that I do a thing in solo little or big, my day trips at Disneyland Paris also.

Months after months without understanding what was this weird feeling, I started to be anxious and worry about what I feel. I really asked me if it’s normal! On my bad days, I have in mind to stop to do solo things sometimes because despite that my solo trips are amazing, I love them, and improve so many sides of my life. This feeling started to worry more and more.

Seriously, I feel better to understand and place a name on these feelings. I did not know what was PTSD before, I thought it was something for soldiers only. I know now that it’s after trauma. Anyway, C-PTSD is could to be more my case because my flashbacks are not about one event, but many events of my past. During an appointment, my psychiatrist asked me if during my childhood I was afraid of something of special. Yes! I did. I was afraid of the school and my family! And like she said for a child school and family are the only two things. I growing up in fear and anxiety.

I feel better to understand better my feelings. But it’s not helping me to live more calmy in my daily life. Although, since I know better what I have, I feel again worst and my flashbacks are more powerful and I had some troubles for sleeping. I feel exhausted these last weeks. Physically and mentally, anyway I feel often mentally exhausted, I thought it was because of a depression low but it’s maybe rather because of my constant flashbacks.

My psychiatrist talked to me about the EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) therapy. I don’t know what it is really. I could not talk to my psychiatrist about on Monday because she canceled the appointment because she was sick. I’m in the blurry about. I would love to try because these daily flashbacks kill me. I try to fight my mental illness but daily with these flashbacks and worry dissociation feelings it’s killing me inside.

My only times that I have almost any flashbacks it’s when I’m skiing, I’m at Disneyland and when I’m watching Law and Order: SVU.

I feel lost at the moment! Right! Have you PTSD? If yes! Have you found helpful tips to reduce flashbacks? Have you tried EMDR therapy? Is it helpful? I would love to hear from your experience!


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