Today, my grandmother is passed away. I don’t know how I feel about this situation! I think I need to talk right now even if it’s happened today. It’s the second time in my life that I saw a person passing away but the first time I was eight years old and it was the husband of my other grandmother who was not my biological grandfather. I was afraid of this guy. So, it rather the first time that psychological I saw someone passing away. And not the less important person. My grandmother was the sweetest member of my family in my childhood. I did not see her often despite to live about 15 minutes away because of family problems. She has never given me gifts (or maybe once time in my life) for my birthday or christmas. She has never given me cuddles. But she always talked to me with sweet words. In the world of bullying at school and in my family all my childhood, one person who talks to you with sweet words is the best even if she never bought you gifts or given you money. My grandmother is the only family person who doesn’t appear in my flashbacks but in some simple memories.
My grandmother had Alzheimer’s disease since a few years now and was in a special retirement home. The last time that I saw her it was about two years ago. It was hard to see it like that with my own mental illness, she started do not recognize her own family. It was too hard to saw her in this state and I did not manage to go see her again. – I cried many times but I’m not particularly sad. On another side, each time that I cry my anxiety get worse again so that it was high already before. I ask me if crying and to be more anxious after it’s my own way to be sad, like I live in an anxiety world. I don’t know if it’s selfish but with her Alzheimer’s disease I ask me if it’s not better for her and maybe to stop his sufferings. I know the suffering and it was super hard to saw her in his state. – Currently in my life, I try to stay positive and find positive inspiration. My positive inspiration about the dead is to reach your dreams and don’t wait. Don’t wait too long and do what you want and love. If you dream to travel don’t tell you that you will do it when you could be old (I hear so many peoples around me told that). It is a good sign that I had today my new suitcase for my big Disneyland Paris trip in September and many others travel?! Currently in my life, I fiind travel as a therapy, I think that I have received my new suitcase on this same day to show me that it’s now that I must travel if I desire to do it. Ok! I ask me if with this family loss, during the next weeks I could take advantage to talk at my psychiatrist about my flashbacks.
Thanks to a friend who told do not feel me guilty because I’m not sad and that each person reacts differently about the dead. Grandma I will miss you, thanks to have been so sweet, I love you so much!