Diary Of A Depressive And C-PTSD In Lockdown

Right! I haven’t been a lot here on the blog these past three weeks. I have done only one post by week. And for the simple reason that I was not motivated and in mood to post more here and I decided if I was not in mood to do it, do not force myself because I couldn’t love the final. I took the decision to do posts only when I was motivated to do them. That’s for the story why I was not over here lately.

The reason why I was not motivated it’s quite simply because I’m in depression. Since the beginning of the lockdown mid-March, I haven’t really talked about my feelings, expect that it’s hard that my therapy place (aka Disneyland Paris) is closed. But I haven’t really talked more! The France has started her first phase of opening the country officially on May 11. A few things has started to open back, but really a few and me living in the county who was the more difficult with the Coronavirus, we have less of things open. In the counties less touched by the Coronavirus, they have started to open back some parks but here in my county all is closed again. This unlockdown on May 11, has given me again another bunch of mixed feelings.

In first, I was anxious about this first phase of reopening the country. Is a second wave of the virus could comes? How this unlockdown could works? Because how this first phase of reopening could tell how and when Disneyland Paris could reopens. And it’s always! These past days, I started to have anger also when they start slowly to open back for June, parks, museums, aquariums around the country BUT that theme parks including Disneyland Paris are unauthorized to open back again. Disneyland Paris could not probably reopens before mid-July and again it’s not sure. I have anger to see all the things almost authorized to opens in June except theme parks, theme parks are maybe more complicated to opens but when theme parks themself propose a bunch of security and that the French gourvernment refused. It’s hopeless! They decide to open back some things where social distance without hard to maintain but in a large outside park where it’s can be easier, they refuse. And that’s for all theme parks around the France, not only Disneyland Paris.

On another side, I feel like it’s not good to reopens again for Disneyland Paris. Believe me! I want to, I need to, that it reopens because I’m really bad, my depression is bad, my life with my flashbacks becomes unsupportable a little more each day. But I don’t think that it’s a good idea that Disneyland Paris reopens again, but when they could propose a little more of contents in the parks. The health crisis is until July 10, in France and before this date, I think that they could not propose a lot of things, except attractions. And Disneyland Paris it’s not only that. You can fastly take a look to see how Shangai Disneyland has reopens, 30% of capacity, no parades and fireworks, no close photos with characters. I think that it was good that Shangai Disneyland reopens to give hope to Disney parks fan and peoples around the world. This first step was important! But I don’t think that it’s a good idea in my opinion for the security of guests and cast members that Disneyland Paris and US parks open on this capacity. Now, I don’t know if there could maybe to have a difference of reopens between Disneyland Paris, Disneyland Resort and Walt Disney World, they have closed to one day of difference, now for the reopens, each country works differently. And the French gouvernment is not ready again to gives the authorization to theme parks to reopens. At this day, I think it’s a good idea even if like told I could emergency need it, but the thing who give me anger is that almost everything else could to have the authorization to reopens in June, and I’m sure that some things authorized are less in the security that theme parks, where we know already that Disneyland Paris is a place where the security is all long year number 1. One thing who makes some peoples angry also is that the largest theme park (EuroPa-Park) in Germany reopens on May 29 but in France they do not let authorization to reopens.

I DON’T LIE! But in two months of lockdown, I haven’t placed one step outside of my house or backyard, even to do grocery or in the radius of 1km authorized until May 11. I’m a stay at home people when I’m not traveling and I feel pretty anxious to go outside in my neighborhood, so it was not a big deal, the really big deal was and is always that I was not able to skiing and I’m not able to go at my therapy place. On May 12, I have done my first out, I went to do a bike ride in the forest, the goal principal was to see if going outside could be helpful me to reduce my flashbacks. The answer is NO! Since, I haven’t took another bike ride. In more, I feel anomaly anxious to go outside with the Coronavirus. I was not anxious at the beginning of the story, but right now to have lived in the county the more touched by the Coronavirus in cases and dead. I’m really anxious about to go outside! This is not good for me.

Currently, I’m really bad on my mental health. I haven’t my therapy place and I haven’t had of psychiatrist visit since the beginning of February. I have nothing who help me! My brain is not working correctly, I’m often not able to do simple things correctly. After many months, last week I took the time to write an email to my psychiatrist, I talked about a few important things and to ask her if she’s just ok about the virus. On the next day, she answers me that she reads my email but that she had no time to answers me this day. But it was one week ago and she doesn’t answered me more again, I’m disappointed and a bit anger.

These days with my mental health, I’m really exhausted and tired, every night I have troubles to fall asleep and I’m doing some nightmares to Disneyland Paris. I’m sleeping a lot during the days, and I’m motivated to do nothing. I’m not motivated to continue my Disney Movie Challenge but I watch almost every day some videos of Disney Stars On Parade and Disneyland Paris shows. My eating disorder hits me back also, it’s three weeks that I’m not eating anymore at lunch time. And my principal food is Alfredo pasta at dinner and a milkshake in the afternoon. Right! I haven’t the force to texts anwser to my friends messages, it’s makes me sad! I try to be nice with myself in these hard times but it’s hard. One thing that I try to keep daily even if it’s really hard some days and it doesn’t help me, it’s the meditation. Every morning, and sometimes in more during the day, I try, I completed even a 21 Days Calm series on the app and for the first time this month I hit 30 days in the row. Today, I hit 46 days in the row. I really try to do it every day, even if it’s not helping me every day, I try to find a helpful tool in meditation, I try to keep going even if it’s not helpful every day in these hard times because I have the feelings that on the long term, it’s could help me more.

A thing who is hard about Disneyland Paris, even if I think that it’s not good to reopens again, the hardest thing is do not have of date when it’s could really reopens. The French gouvernment doesn’t want to give dates to theme parks and apparently it’s hard for the theme parks themself do not have of dates. Me, I haven’t countdown to make, I feel I’m living for nothing, without date projects. It’s a hard thing! The only thing who inspires me currently is looking on photos of my favorite Instagram accounts and on Pinterest. That’s all!


How are you doing in these times? Let me know! Thanks for reading!


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